Monday, October 3, 2011
Lost Soul
It has now been five months since I was forced to attend a new ward and I still hate it. I thought I had made two friends but both of them have stopped talking to me. I know it is mostly my fault, I don't introduce myself to people or really even talk to people. I had a friend that made church decent for a few weeks, but he has started to ignore me. Do you really wonder why I have a hard time opening up to people!! Recently every new "friend" that comes into my life disappears within a month. I am honestly considering going to a family ward or just being out of town as much as possible. I know church isn't about sitting with friends, but for me I'm miserable without someone to talk to. I used to love going to church every Sunday and I went to every activity, now I dread Sundays and I look for every excuse not to go to an activity. I've honestly never felt so unwelcome at church in my life, I literally hate everything about my ward. Church leaders said they created these new YSA wards/stakes to find the lost souls...well thank you. You took a very active young single adult who loved her ward and have turned her into one of those lost souls.
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2 comments:
I know EXACTLY how you feel. When I moved to Arizona from Illinois at first I was excited to start my singles ward. But it was very apparent after my first few weeks there that I didn't 'fit it'. Everyone was young and in college and it was a very 'cliquey' ward. I lived with an inactive friend of mine, so she was no help when it came to making friends at church. I eventually got a job that required me to work an occasional Sunday, and I began to look forward to those days. I felt like it was my 'excuse'...I had to work to pay the bills...that was the only job I could find...I 'didn't really have a choice'. Soon I made friends with some girls who weren't members of our church and I started finding it super easy to make excuses not to go. Or, I would go to the Sacrament meeting in the family ward down the road from me and count that as 'good enough'. Occasionally someone from the relief society would stop by with some cookies or a loaf of bread and say they 'missed seeing me at church' or some silly thing that I knew wasn't true cause they didn't know me from anyone! That made me resent church even more! One time I got a calling as a visiting teaching supervisior and when the bishop set me apart he prayed that i would 'do good in my studies and be able to balance my school schedule and my work schedule.' I had been out of school for 4 years!! I was FURIOUS that he claimed to know me when obviolulsy he didn't know anything about me. Things that had never before been an issue in my life started to become a problem; paying tithing, going to the temple, praying, and obviously going to church. I wasn't doing anything crazy, no drinking or anything super life altering, just stopped doing the basic things we know we are suppossed to do. Then, out of no where one day I got another call from the bishop. He was asking me to be in the Relief Society Presidency. It was literally days after I got a new job that only required me to work M-F. I obviously told him I would accept the call. It would be great if I loved church after that at felt so welcome and loved in my ward, but not really. Well at least not right away. I still resented my ward a little, and still sat by myself a lot and felt like I didn't fit in...but I think I felt better about church in general. I may of been sitting by myself, but I didn't feel alone. I think I became OK with the fact that maybe the ASU 4th ward was not going to be as fun as any BYU Idaho ward was in, and I wasn't going to make life long friends like I did in school. Also being able to focus on my calling and to be in meetings, I was able to see how much my ward did care for those 'lost souls' and how there were people who I thought were some of the most popular people in my ward and who I though just had it all going for them, who had come to the bishop with a problem in their life or a feeling of lonliness that I would of NEVER guess in a million years they were feeling that way.
Anyway, oh my goodness, I did not mean to write such a novel! I just know how you feel and wanted to let you know not to get discouraged. Your ward may seem ignorant of the fact you exist, but I promise you that Heavenly Father knows you and what is going on and how you feel. Sometimes we just have to be patient and 'suffer' a little. I would suggest maybe talking to someone in your bishopbric. I know you may not like them (I hated my bishop for a long time), but we have to keep in mind that they are just regular old guys the rest of the week and he may be completey ignorant of how you feel. And I bet there is more than just you that feels this way. Maybe you will open his eyes to soemthing and you'll be able to work together to find others like you. I hope this doesn't sound preachy! Please know I don't mean to be preachy. I just hate to see anyone get discouraged over a crappy ward.
That is okay we have been here for 2 years. I can honestly say I have no friends at church. We are social but that is it. Only person that ever comes over is my teacher. That is just once a month when she is in town. I tried and tried for the longest time. A few months ago a fully gave up. I go to church about twice a month now.
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